10 Steps To Buying and Playing a New Game
In the age of the internets and its various tubes, I can only fear the future of how we buy our games. With outlets such as STEAM, WiiWare, XBL, and PSN, I’m afraid that the tangible games of old might go the way of the Virtual Boy.
What will I miss the most? The rituals I go through every time I get a new game. Let me take you down that road.
Step 1: Walk into Store
Simple enough, there are video game retailers in just about every strip mall in America. Gamestop, EBGames, Game Crazy, any of them will do.
I buy the game, so you don't have to
Step 2: Pick Out a Game
After trudging into the store and nodding a hello to the usually bearded employees, I head to the DS or Wii section, depending on my current mood. Oh look, they have Imagine Babies in stock! Just what I was looking for.
Step 3: Pay for the Game
Easily the hardest part, because I have to surrender a good chunk of my earnings. Ah well, Imagine Babies is worth it. If the cashier is a guy, I make sure to make small talk, “Looking forward to the next Sonic?” or “How bout that Waluigi?” If it’s a girl, I make sure to do some shameless flirting usually along the lines of “You’re very handsome,” or “The smell permeating from you is very pleasant.” After getting my game, and a high five, or mace in the face (respectively) I am on my way.
Pictured, Okami, calling your mother fat
Step 4: The Ride Home
No wait, this is the hardest part. Having to go home, the unopened package staring at you, mocking you, calling your mother fat. You’ll show him (or in the case of imagine babies, her) when you get home.
Step 5: Preparing the Area
One would think that opening and playing the game would be the next step, but not so. In fact, there are a few steps before that. After placing the game in a safe place, I figure out where I will be sitting. And yes, I will always be sitting. Even in the case of games like Twilight Princess or Wario Ware, where it’s implied that you should stand to play, I sit. I’ve finally attained buoyancy; I don’t want to waste any precious calories.
Pictured, the Elixer of the Gods, and my gaming drink of choice
Step 6: Fetch a Cold Beverage
It doesn’t matter if I’m playing a game in Sacramento or in the middle of Newfoundland, I will be drinking something cold. Warm drinks bring comfort and coziness, enough to put me to sleep in the middle of one of the many engaging mini games that Imagine Babies will offer. Cold drinks and their brisk iciness will keep me alert, while keeping me refreshed. Lets see hot chocolate pull that off.
Step 7: Unwrap Package
I retract my last two hardest parts. This is the hardest part. To quote every bad comedian from the 90’s WHO ARE THEY TRYING TO KEEP OUT OF THESE THINGS? Seriously, I keep my nails long just so I can have a chance of opening the damned packaging.
Don't put this on yourself, unless you like smelling bad
Step 8: Smell New Game and Instruction Book
No, this is isn’t weird. New Game smell is one of the best smells ever. Too bad it fades away after a few seconds. AXE should focus on concentrating this smell into one of their “body sprays” instead of the cat urine that is currently housed in their cans.
Step 9: Play the Game
The best part! I don’t sit down to play unless I have 2 hours to spare. You can’t truly take in a game and all its worth unless you give it at least 120 minutes. A new game is kind of like a woman. No wait, no it’s not. Nevermind.
Your cat, reflecting on Muramasa the Demon Blade, oh, and thinking about how much it hates you
Step 10: Reflect
After the 2 hours are up, look back on what you’ve just experienced. Was it good? Was it bad? Was it TMNT: Smash Up? If so consult a doctor.
I can’t be the only loon with new game rituals. Got any you’d like to share?