I’ve lost count of the times I’ve seen a ten year old convince their mother to buy them a Gears of War or a Grand Theft Auto. Those titles are rated “M” for “Mature.” They’re strictly for big adult boys who pay taxes and pee standing up.

High five! We are adults!

Don’t these kids know how good they have it? Sure, the “E for All” line-up might not have the blood, potty words, or transvestites that the “M” line up has, but there’s still tons of fun to be had. What kind of fun do I mean? Cute.

Cute nowadays is rather underrated I think. Sometimes, it’s even hated, and avoided like a leper in the nineteenth century. If extreme violence and “Maturity” is such a grand thing, why isn’t extreme cuteness regarded as well? Below are some of cuteness at it’s best.

Aww, look at the widdle plumber

Paper Mario snuck up on us in 2001, and was one of the N64’s swan songs. Too bad it wasn’t appreciated as much as it could have been at the time, released near the end of the N64’s lifespan. I was about 11 at the time, and I had no idea that the game I purchased wasn’t the normal platforming goodness usually provided by the Mario Franchise. Not to say I was disappointed. The game, and it’s adorable goodness dragged me in, and was sort of a gateway drug to console-style RPGs, a genre I had ignored before this game. The art direction looks like it was lead by a spastic kindergartener: colorful, bright, and right out of a fairytale. And did I mention cute? Cuter than a puppy trying to climb a pile of cupcakes.

Pictured, Wiki and Zack unawares that I am calling them adorable

Zack and Wiki is probably not a tile you recognize, because you’ve never played it. You also didn’t buy it. Now we won’t get a sequel. I hope you’re happy you sneaky little fink. Zack and Wiki was a throwback to the point and click adventure puzzlers of your youth. You remember the kind, I’m sure. Who knew a game centered around pirates could be so adorable? Your colleagues are all fluffy bunnies, and your sidekick is a magical chimpanzee thing. And did you know you can turn enemies into tools and weapons? I wish I could turn a snake into a claw grabber. This game, and it’s pile of adorable is a budget title, mostly because nobody bought it. It goes as low as 15 dollars and as high as 20. Do yourself a favor and buy this game, and perhaps we’ll get a sequel. Wait, no we won’t. Ah well, this game is still very cute. Cuter than a baby turtle who can’t get up.

This little bastard will end you

Kirby is perhaps the cutest of the cute. Don’t let him hear you say that though. I don’t know any other character who is as cute, as he is a force to be reckoned with.  Yes, he looks like he’d be delicious, but I wouldn’t try eating him. He’s the one that does the eating. And when he eats, he EATS. He makes Kirstie Alley look like Calista Flockhart. And once he’s done eating you, he’ll harness your power and use it to his own gain. In my case, that is, if he swallowed me and used his “copy” ability, he’d turn into “Cheeky Asshole Kirby,” or “Passive Aggressive Kirby.” He’d attack baddies with off color humor and “your moma” jokes. Kirby should be especially noted because he is cute, but will also kick your ass. Oh, and yes, the entire franchise is cute, from the enemies (A morbidly obese penguin king), to the backrounds (Kirby’s Dreamland 3’s hand drawn crayon textures). That’s right, cuter than a baby trying to eat spaghetti.

Even the weapons are cute. Whats cuter than a leaf?

The Legend of Zelda: The Windwaker is quite possibly the most polarizing Zelda ever. When the first screens were leaked there were massive riots from Tokyo to Calgary. Well, maybe not, but the internet was on fire. On fire with rage. I didn’t jump on the “BAWWWW” bandwagon, and welcomed the style change. In fact, I prefer it to the realistic Zelda style. It should be noted that the style was sort of a juxtaposition to the story. Zelda is one of the most mature franchises of Nintendo, and Wind Waker had perhaps the most serious story than any other Zelda. The plot was straight out of the book of Genesis (instead of an angry God flooding the world to save it from sin, you have merciful Goddesses who drown Hyrule to save it from evil).  Thankfully, not much else changed other than the art direction. Wind Waker still delivered the tried and true Zelda formula (Exploration, dudgeons, puzzle solving, awesome weapons, mind bending boss fights). And any game that can manage to make the Gerudo King of Darkness look somewhat cuddly should be noted as mighty impressive. Oh, and don’t forget, this game is cuter than a newborn kitten bumping into a teddybear that’s been covered in glitter.

Sure, you might prefer the bald space marine fare that the “M” croud loves. That’s fine. Those games are fantastic and deserve the hype they get. As for me: Give me cute, or give me death.

Who's my pretty little Lord of Evil? YOU ARE

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